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Experiencing rejection, especially when it recurs often, is not a great feeling. A publisher is turning you down, giving a firm “Nope.” As a writer, I am no stranger to setbacks. I began proposing articles 50 years back, just after college graduation. Over the years, I have had two novels rejected, along with book ideas and many short stories. In the last two decades, focusing on commentary, the refusals have grown more frequent. On average, I face a rejection frequently—adding up to in excess of 100 annually. Overall, rejections throughout my life exceed a thousand. Today, I could have a advanced degree in handling no’s.

However, is this a self-pitying tirade? Far from it. Since, now, at the age of 73, I have come to terms with rejection.

By What Means Did I Achieve It?

Some context: By this stage, nearly each individual and others has rejected me. I haven’t counted my success rate—it would be deeply dispiriting.

A case in point: recently, a newspaper editor rejected 20 pieces one after another before accepting one. A few years ago, at least 50 editors vetoed my book idea before one accepted it. Subsequently, 25 literary agents declined a book pitch. An editor even asked that I send articles less frequently.

My Seven Stages of Rejection

In my 20s, each denial stung. It felt like a personal affront. It was not just my writing was being turned down, but myself.

Right after a manuscript was turned down, I would start the process of setback:

• Initially, shock. Why did this occur? How could they be blind to my ability?
• Second, refusal to accept. Certainly it’s the mistake? This must be an administrative error.
• Then, dismissal. What can any of you know? Who made you to decide on my work? It’s nonsense and the magazine is subpar. I refuse this refusal.
• After that, anger at those who rejected me, then self-blame. Why would I put myself through this? Am I a masochist?
• Fifth, bargaining (often accompanied by false hope). How can I convince you to recognise me as a exceptional creator?
• Sixth, depression. I’m no good. Additionally, I can never become accomplished.

This continued through my 30s, 40s and 50s.

Notable Precedents

Naturally, I was in excellent fellowship. Tales of writers whose work was at first turned down are legion. The author of Moby-Dick. Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. James Joyce’s Dubliners. Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita. Joseph Heller’s Catch-22. Virtually all writer of repute was originally turned down. Because they managed to persevere, then perhaps I could, too. Michael Jordan was dropped from his high school basketball team. Many Presidents over the recent history had been defeated in elections. Sylvester Stallone estimates that his script for Rocky and desire to appear were rejected repeatedly. “I take rejection as someone blowing a bugle to rouse me and persevere, instead of giving up,” he remarked.

Acceptance

Later, when I entered my 60s and 70s, I reached the last step of rejection. Acceptance. Now, I grasp the multiple factors why someone says no. To begin with, an reviewer may have recently run a like work, or have one underway, or simply be thinking about a similar topic for a different writer.

Or, more discouragingly, my pitch is of limited interest. Or maybe the editor feels I don’t have the experience or standing to be suitable. Perhaps isn’t in the field for the wares I am peddling. Maybe didn’t focus and read my submission too fast to appreciate its value.

Go ahead call it an realization. Everything can be declined, and for whatever cause, and there is pretty much little you can do about it. Some reasons for denial are forever beyond your control.

Manageable Factors

Additional reasons are your fault. Admittedly, my ideas and work may occasionally be poorly thought out. They may lack relevance and resonance, or the message I am struggling to articulate is not compelling enough. Alternatively I’m being too similar. Maybe something about my grammar, especially dashes, was offensive.

The essence is that, regardless of all my long career and setbacks, I have succeeded in being recognized. I’ve authored two books—my first when I was 51, my second, a memoir, at retirement age—and in excess of 1,000 articles. Those pieces have been published in publications big and little, in diverse outlets. My debut commentary was published decades ago—and I have now written to that publication for five decades.

However, no bestsellers, no author events publicly, no spots on talk shows, no speeches, no prizes, no big awards, no Nobel Prize, and no Presidential Medal. But I can better take rejection at 73, because my, admittedly modest successes have cushioned the jolts of my frequent denials. I can afford to be reflective about it all now.

Valuable Setbacks

Rejection can be instructive, but provided that you heed what it’s trying to teach. Otherwise, you will almost certainly just keep taking rejection the wrong way. What teachings have I gained?

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